Łatwo gubię się w swoim istnieniu, dużo rzeczy mnie przeraża, ale nie boję się wyzwań. Miałam kilka rozmów o pracę jako marketer, boję się, że nie sprostam wymaganiom, dostaję oferty, które odrzucam, zostaję odrzucana, akceptowana, mam nie wystarczająco doświadczenia, mam doświadczenie, które nie jest dokładnie takie jakie potrzebuje dana pozycja mimo tego, że wydaję się być kandydatem idealnym. Boję się, że nigdy nie będę w pełni usatysfakcjonowana. Boję się, że zawsze będę zawiedziona samą sobą. Dlatego ciągle biegnę.
Here we are – 2020 has not treated us that well since the beginning and there is not much we can do about it apart from listening to all the guidelines, do’s and do not’s. I work with people and as much as I complain about the society and how people work and do stuff I do miss the times where I could have pointless little conversations with whoever would come in for a pint or two to the bar where I work.
I disappeared again for a while. Life got pretty hectic with everything going on at the same time. I guess I yet again got stuck in a loop of trying too hard to make everything perfect instead of just enjoying everything that was going on at the time. I’ve spent time questioning my choices when it comes to work and university and trying to end up with a perfect outcome on every single level of my life and so on.
Sometimes we simply fall for the wrong people. Sometimes we simply don’t realize who is bad for us. Sometimes we forget to pause, okay he’s cute/ okay, they’re fun – BUT are they good for my mental health?
I had issues with the way my body looks like for the longest time I can remember. There was always something I wanted to change about my appearance. Starting with too wide jaw, too big nose all the way to too wide hips and too big tights. Getting into modeling didn’t help my insecurities but also it made me realise that there are things that I might not like about myself but others do.
I have had a lot of things to do for uni lately because it is my final year and the question that was looming over my head for a very long time was how to somehow stretch out the 24 hours we all have during the day because it simply seemed like not enough. Then I found the waking up at 5a.m. challenge on YouTube and decided to try that but with my own spin. Because I usually finish work around 11p.m. waking up earlier than at 6/7a.m. is just impossible I decided to try the 6:30a.m.
Recent months have been tough. It’s still not amazing now but I’m most certainly doing better. Way better. I achieved the stability for now through a lot of work on myself and focusing on my mental and physical health. It’s been a wild ride but I’m almost there.
As as a full-time student (and a full-time waitress), I don’t have as much time to care about my skin as I used to (and oh god you can see that pretty good, just go ahead and look at my forehead)… Wearing makeup almost every day doesn’t help my skin either but there are ways to minimalise the damage that has been done. Because of the lack of time I started looking for some beauty alternatives, that would help me get my skin back on track.
Some students don’t have to work, they get a loan which helps them afford living on their own whilst at uni. Other ones who also got used to eating and sleeping in a cosy bed, have to find a job. Finding a job that you would actually like is pretty hard but not as hard as finding a job where you don’t have to work full-time so that you can afford food, rent and other extra expenses.
Originally I wanted to wait to publish this for the Mental Health Awareness Week. But – as much as I think the MHAW is really important I also regard mental health issues as something that should be talked about not only one week per year. That’s why I decided to publish this post today even though it would be probably easier to talk about that while I’m not yet again swimming in my tiny pool of anxiety. Anyways – let’s kick off.