Me, myself & my body dysmorphia

According to the NHS website “Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is an anxiety disorder that causes a person to have a distorted view of how they look and to spend a lot of time worrying about their appearance.” It makes you see yourself in a way that you don’t look like at all. Most of the people think that someone with BDD perceives themselves as bigger, chubbier than he or she really is but that’s only the small part of the whole disorder. It is the most common case though. Person dealing (I passionately hate using the word “suffering” when it comes to disorders because anyone who does have even one disorder doesn’t “suffer from it” as it’s a big part of their personality and they create the person and gradually become a big part of their life so we are not suffering from it but rather dealing with that) with the BDD may think that their nose is enormous or that their neck is weirdly too long or too short compared to their bodies. It takes different shapes and sizes, it may fade with time or grow stronger.

I developed body dysmorphia long time before I started modeling. Growing up I had this obsession about my weight and the look of my body. All I ever wanted was to be skinnier than other girls. The problem was quickly recognized by my mom and thanks to that I didn’t end up having to deal with anorexia as well as BDD. My mom taught me that no matter what I see in the mirror the most important things is to love myself, my body and be good to it. If I take care of my mind and my body soon I will come to like the way I look like because it will be the effect of my work and most of the population tend to like what they created. Easy as that.
It got better and by the time I was 16 I finally achieved my body-goals by eating healthy, giving up on junk food and snacks, working out and stuff like that. I wasn’t on a diet I just decided to finally become a better person for my own sake and take care of my health and at the same time improve.
Unfortunately, every good point in life has its end and my old friend BDD came back when I was 18. It was a different case this time. I grew up being surrounded by taller and skinnier girls than me. At least I saw them this way. To start off by that time I was pretty tall – 174cm, and pretty skinny – (measurements come in the bust/waist/hips sequence) 88/60/89. So basically I was a tall, petite girl, but having friends who were so fucking skinny just made me feel fat. I’m not saying that it’s because of other people. Looking just like others still made me feel anxious because although the measuring tape said that I’m just as skinny as all of them I was still feeling fat if not obese. Mirror became my enemy, looking at myself was the least favorite thing to do as all I saw was my fat ass, huge hips, and floppy stomach. Looking back at that times it still makes me uncomfortable. So after a while of hating myself for the way, I looked like I decided to change it in one of the most stupid ways you can imagine. I decided to go on an Alice diet. Yes – all I did was drinking tea, usually black with no sugar or sweetener, to make my stomach think that it shouldn’t be hungry I ate 5-10 cashew nuts per day. I lost weight quickly but then I was also sleeping for the most of the day and the fact that I got skinny didn’t really make me happy. I was slowly fading away, turning into a mist, I was always tired and I didn’t feel much apart from that. Thankfully it didn’t take me long to realize that I fucked up and what I had been doing was super stupid because all it had done was a lot of harm to my own body. Once again my mom helped me during the period of fighting the BDD.
Body dysmorphia comes in different shapes and sizes but it messes with your mind showing you images of yourself which are not real. You have to realize first that sometimes the things you see in the mirror are not your reflection but the reflection of your insecurities and then you’ll be ready to fight with the BDD and win.