Bitching about my work is something that I do on daily bases. It’s not that bad, trust me, but sometimes I just don’t want to go there and see same people, ordering same things and try to talk to my boss when I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone about stuff. Especially when the ‘stuff’ is just shitting on everything that has ever existed. Then someone comes in, someone who I’ve never seen before, which is weird, because the city that the cafe is in is super small and even people who live there don’t like it. So that new person comes in and I’m all excited to see a new face, or just to see a face as sometimes I spend hours watching people pass the coffee shop and then there’s me just sitting in the empty room full of seats and trying to forget that I’m going to waste another seven hours of my life… So usually after the excitement, there comes a huge disappointment as the new person turns out to be one of the types of customers that I truly hate. And there’s my personal list of people that I wish I’ve never met during my work in the coffee shop. If you are one of them – we will never get along.
1. The coffee snob
You don’t know shit about coffee so please stop pretending. I’m glad that you can read which coffee we serve today but at the same time I don’t care about that one time when you drank Costa Rica in one of the best coffee shops in Mexico because guess what – we’re in fucking shithole and you don’t even know the difference between flat white and dry cappuccino. So just stop boasting about your knowledge when it comes to coffees because I just made a normal cappuccino for you and you didn’t even notice.
2. The girl on a diet (or a guy)
I really don’t know how many sugars are there in the vanilla syrup and I don’t really care. I don’t even want to look for an almond milk for you because it doesn;t really make any difference when you order a flavored mocha. In addition, you also have a waffle and a slice of cheesecake so just stop lying to yourself…
3. The ‘what’s good’ person
I’m pretty chill, how about you mate? But, seriously, I don’t know and I’ve never had any of the cakes that I’m selling in here, I know that if I’ll tell you that I like the macchiato you will probably die drinking it as I make it with three shots because otherwise, I’m unable to function. Just take a latte or whatever and just stop trying to figure out which coffee you want, because we both know that you can’t tell the difference between them just staring at the menu.
4. The ‘do you have a menu or something?’ person
No mate. No, we don’t. Oh, what’s that huge thing behind me? Oh, nothing, don’t bother looking at that, it’s not that we have everything written down with prices and shit. No. Just ask me what we have in here because surely I know all of the shit written behind my back by heart.
5. The way too friendly customer.
I don’t care that your girlfriend dumped you last week, that your hamster died and you forgot to write your essay. All that I care about is which coffee you want and if you give me a tip. I don’t want to get to know you because I just don’t. That’s my work and obviously, I’m going to be friendly, but sometimes it’s just a bit too much…
6. The wifi thief
Yes, you can use our wifi and plug your charger but at the same time, that’s a coffee shop not a charity organization for people who want to chill somewhere while browsing through facebook. Order something please because if my boss sees you with a bottle of orange juice for 80p sitting there for the past 4 hours he’d kill me.
7. The family
I like when a family comes to the cafe but at the same time it takes some time to make all of the waffles and sundaes and toasties and coffees and hot chocolates and smoothies and milkshakes and if your kid comes to ask me where’s the waffle it will only slow me down. If you kid starts screaming and fucks up half of the cafe I’d have to clean it up first so be prepared to wait for around an hour… And please don’t scream at me because I’ on the edge.
8. The person in a hurry
It’s a coffee shop, not McDonald’s. OIf you come in here that means you have time to wait for your order. Wait or fuck off.
9. The music fan
If you want to order something I have to hear you, but you have to take off your headphones so that you can hear me as well. Otherwise, I’m just not going to be able to make sure that I’ll make exactly what you tried to order man. Don’t come and cry that you didn’t want sprinkles on your cappuccino because guess what – now I don’t give a fuck.
10. The single
I know you are old and still single but I don’t want to see anything exciting after work. If ‘something exciting’ is a secret code for your private parts then you came to a wrong place. GO AWAY, TAKE YOUR COFFEE AND JUST LEAVE.
11. The extra guy
If you already paid don’t ask me for an extra creme/shot/chocolate on your order because it’s stupid. You have to pay for something extra, that’s not a charity but a shop so go away and pay for it first.